How to overcome social anxiety

A bright, hardworking student is doing poorly in his communications class. Participation counts for 25 per cent of his grade, but he hasn’t spoken up in class since the semester started because he’s worried he’ll sound stupid.

A coding whiz just built their first video game. Despite their talent and just graduating from a reputable computer science programme, they are unemployed. They haven’t applied for a job because they are terrified of going for an interview.

A five-star athlete dominates the soccer field with her quick pace and innovative playmaking. When reporters hound her after the game, she appears cold and uninterested. In reality, the reason she offers curt responses is because she is terrified of appearing arrogant.

What unites each of these people? Social anxiety. If any of these descriptions resonate with you, perhaps you too live with social anxiety. This Guide will help you understand this condition and learn how to address it.

Understand the causes of social anxiety

At its core, social anxiety is a fear of negative evaluation and rejection. When you feel socially anxious, you worry about what others think of you and hope you are making a good impression.

Like most emotions, anxiety tries to help you. Anxiety is your brain’s way of alerting you to a looming threat. Think: snake slithering up your arm. Social anxiety is designed to do the same thing: alert you to social threats. Social threats are anything that involves you being rejected, such as being made fun of or ousted from a group. When social anxiety bubbles up, it says: ‘Hey, there’s a good chance you might be rejected right now.’ To minimise the chances of rejection, you tune in to your situation. You scan the room looking for disapproving faces; you analyse how people are acting; you hyperfocus on your posture, speech and facial expressions. After this quick assessment, you try to match your behaviour to fit in and avoid rejection. Voilà! Thank you, social anxiety.

If social anxiety were a person, you could say they have good intentions. But sometimes, social anxiety gets it wrong. This happens when social anxiety sends alarm bells for social threats that are not actually there – or worse, it’s a nonstop alarm bell everywhere you go.

You might be thinking: ‘I don’t socialise much, but I’m not bothered by it. I just prefer to be alone.’ This is introversion and it’s different from social anxiety. Introversion is a personality trait that is more about your preference for socialising: how often, with whom, big or small groups, and so on. In contrast, social anxiety is about the fear of socialising. You can be introverted with or without social anxiety, and you can have social anxiety with or without introversion. Social anxiety is also different from shyness, which is when you feel some uneasiness or reservation in a social setting. It is common to feel shy occasionally, such as when you meet new people or perform in front of others. If you don’t struggle with social anxiety, you can usually adapt quickly when shyness shows up and still enjoy the social interaction.

Social anxiety gets in the way of building strong social relationships, performing to the best of your ability at school and work, and feeling comfortable in your own skin. It can also lead to other mental health conditions, such as substance abuse, depression and even suicide.

People who feel very anxious in many social situations might be struggling with social anxiety disorder (SAD). SAD involves persistent and distressing anxiety in numerous social situations, such as:

• giving a presentation;
• performing in front of others;
• interacting with strangers;
• going on a date;
• small talk; or
• eating or drinking in front of others.

When you have SAD, these everyday social situations feel like opportunities to fail. Interacting with a stranger opens the door to saying something foolish; going on a date skyrockets your chances of getting rejected; small talk could lead to an awkward silence or stumbling on your words; and eating and drinking in front of others feels like a performance where your every sip and chew is under a magnifying glass.

As a result of this anxiety, people with SAD avoid initiating or participating in social interactions – even if the situations are important to them. To be diagnosed with SAD according to formal psychiatric criteria, you must endorse each of the following symptoms:

• marked, persistent fear of social situations;
• feared social situations almost always elicit anxiety;
• fear about the situation is out of proportion to the actual threat;
• the situations are avoided or endured with intense anxiety;
• your anxiety and/or avoidance causes impairment in important life areas; and
• symptoms have been present for at least six months.

SAD is one of the most common mental illnesses in the world. Roughly 4 per cent of people around the world will meet these diagnostic criteria at some point in their lives. Based on current population estimates of 8 billion, this is roughly 320 million people!

Key points – How to overcome social anxiety

1. Understand the causes of social anxiety. At its core, social anxiety concerns a fear of rejection. When you feel socially anxious, you worry about what others think of you and hope you are making a good impression.
2. Identify your goals. Identify areas of your social life that you want to improve, such as making more friends or speaking up in meetings – these goals will guide you as you work through your social anxiety.
3. Break unhelpful thinking habits. Your negative thoughts about social situations drive your anxiety. Question the evidence for these thoughts and generate a more balanced perspective.
4. Level up your conversational skills. Three social skills can improve your social confidence: starting conversations, reading the room, and asking good questions.
5. Exposure: do the things that scare you. Gradually and systematically participate in different social situations so you can practise socialising, learn that your Worst Case Scenario probably won’t happen, and enjoy the beauty of social relationships.
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The True Cost Of Ignoring Your Boundaries At Work

 

Many of us recognise the need to identify where our boundaries lie in relation to time, money, availability (emotional and physical), respect and consent but when it comes to identifying our boundaries at work, things aren’t so clear-cut

I’ve let disrespectful managers and clients mistreat me because I was grateful for the 'opportunity' and I’ve worked around the clock to unrealistic deadlines because I needed the money and didn’t have the confidence to push back. 

Burnout

 Three types of burnout

• overload
• Overload burnout occurs when you work harder and more frantically to achieve success, often to the detriment of your health and personal life. This is the type of burnout that most people are familiar with, and it’s also the most common.
• Professionals with overload burnout tend to cope by venting their emotions to others (i.e. complaining about how tired and overwhelmed they are). 
• This subtype is also quick to jump into problem-solving mode, creating more work and responsibility for themselves, which only exacerbates their stress. 
• Signs to watch out
• You overlook your own needs or personal life to fulfill work demands
• You invest more than is healthy in your commitment to your career or ambitions
• You endanger your well-being to achieve your goals
• How to address
• First, it’s important to develop stronger emotion regulation skills, such as naming and processing your emotions and reframing negative self-talk.
• Reframe the belief that you need to work all the time to be successful to “enjoying my life helps me become more successful.” 
• After all, resting is not a reward for success. It’s a prerequisite for performance. 
• Second, it’s crucial to separate your self-worth from your work.  individuals could avoid excessive involvement and prevent burnout
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• under-challenged
• Under-challenged burnout could be considered the opposite of the overload subtype. It occurs when you’re bored and not stimulated by your job, which leads to a lack of motivation. People with under-challenged burnout may feel underappreciated and become frustrated because their role lacks learning opportunities, room for growth, or meaningful connection with co-workers and leadership.
• Signs to watch out
• You would like to work on assignments and tasks that are more challenging
• You feel your job does not offer you opportunities to develop your abilities
• You feel that your current role is hampering your ability to advance and develop your talents
• How to address it
• Set a goal to learn a new skill in the next 30 days to kickstart your motivation. Start small and don’t overwhelm yourself.
• Again, baby steps are key. Focusing on incremental changes can add up to big results.
•  
• neglect  
• This is also called neglect burnout, because it can result from feeling helpless in the face of challenges.
• Neglect burnout occurs when you aren’t given enough structure, direction, or guidance in the workplace.
• You may find it difficult to keep up with demands or otherwise feel unable to meet expectations. Over time, this can make you feel incompetent, frustrated, and uncertain.
• In other words, when things at work don’t turn out as they should, those with neglect burnout become passive and stop trying.

• Signs to watch out for:

• You stop trying when work situations don’t go as planned
• You give up in response to obstacles or setbacks you face at work
• You feel demoralized when you get up in the morning and have to face another day at work 
• How to address it:

 What can you get off your plate by outsourcing, delegating, or delaying? Look for obligations you need to say “no” to all together and hone the skill of setting stronger boundaries. A great place to start is by identifying situations where you feel an intense sense of resentment. This is an emotional signal that you need to put healthier limits in place.

Likewise, consider talking to your boss about your workload. You could explain how you’re currently spending your time and ask, “Are my priorities consistent with yours? What would you like me to change?” Or, “If we could take Project A off of my plate, then I’d have more time to focus on our team’s strategic priorities and ultimately deliver on the key goals we’ve evaluated against.” Your manager will likely be thrilled you’re thinking about the big picture and taking initiative.

Most importantly, focus on what you can control. Outside of office hours, be bullish about self-care. Create routines and rituals that ground you, such as a daily walk or journaling practice. When you feel helpless about changing tides at work, some semblance of predictability is essential.

•  

https://hbr.org/2022/08/3-types-of-burnout-and-how-to-overcome-them?utm_source=pocket-newtab-intl-en

Retention

 4C to foresee

• Being Empathetic
• Appreciate & recognize the good work done by engineers
• helping/guiding/mentoring during initial days goes long way
• Great Resignations
• Backlog due to 2020 
• burn out due to covid
• People who don't want to come back to office
• ABC's
• Engagemeent
• Retention
• Attrition
• inadequate training
• pride to work
• manager availability
• Good practices to reduce attrition
• Encourage innovation
• new skills- technical, functional & process
• desire for good work
• pre-joining engagement
• personalized welcome
• buddy program
• pre-onboarding connect
• 
   
• Cost of attrition
• Recruitment
• onboarding
• training 
• lost productivity
• customer service
• lost engagement
• cultural impact
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Exit Interview

Don't burn bridges before and after you leave. Keep the Job search secret and don't let it out till you have the Offer. 

5 reasons you might be scare to get a new job

• You are scared to leave your current employer hanging. "What will they do without me?" I love the devotion and loyalty, but you have to look out for your best interests and career growth.
• You are worried that you might hate your new job. The unknown can be terrifying.. Known devil it better than unknown angel.  Do your research and do a few informational interviews and find out what's out there
• You're convinced that you are not cut out for it. Self-doubt can be paralysing but ture boredom and feeling unchallenged and even worst. Give it a try. You are capable than you think.

Takeaway: Go for it even if you are afraid of the uncertainty. You never know what good opportunity is out there for you.

 

Fear of Rejection- Get out of your own way

• Are you resisting pitching yourself for a promotion?
• Are you waiting for someone else to acknowledge your hard work?

Anticipation of rejection is what is holding you back. 

Things to remember

• We are not as rational as we think
• At time we assume we might get rejected and don't ask. Which is wrong. STOP assuming.
  
• Don't overestimate the cost of rejection and underestimate the benefits of being successful.
• We have ability to bounce back post rejection
• Feeling of regret is worse than rejection. Hence, within amit of organizational culture and professionalism lets ask for it with dignity and justification!
• Don't take disapproval personally.
  
• Procrastination is thief of time
• Fear of rejection is the key between Success & Failure. 
• So it is better to ask or convey your feelings for a promotion based on your overall performance. 
• Atleast we will come to know the truth & also the type of boss we are dealing with.
• What to do on rejection
• Upgrade your skill sand showcase them.
• It is better to ask boldly and be rejected or never ask and you will never know
• What is the worst that can happen other than bruised ego.
• Ask with dignity and within boundaries
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Persuation Skills

 

The principal purpose of persuasion can be defined as being able to influence or change one’s attitudes, beliefs or values towards a particular subject/object, so that these will merge and finally equal the persuader’s thoughts and feelings.

• Attitude = A predisposition to respond to people, ideas, objects, or events in evaluative ways

Beliefs = The ways people perceive reality to be; our conceptions about what is true and what is false

Values = People’s most enduring judgements about what’s good and bad in life
The objective of persuasion may range from slight shifts in opinion to complete change

in behavior. But, how does one determine whether one’s goals are persuasive? 

 

The goals are persuasive —

• when one seeks to influence an audience’s attitudes about an issu

• when one seeks to influence an audience’s beliefs or understanding about something

• when one seeks to influence an audience’s behavior

• when one seeks to reinforce an audience’s existing attitudes, beliefs or behaviors

 

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Influence

The outcomes of persuasion could be good, bad or ugly depending on the modes of tactics and contexts in which they are employed:

• Ugly influencers push and shove others into decisions. They use intimidation: “My way or no way.” Their style leaves others feeling powerless and resistant to innovation or change.

• Bad influencers might work hard to achieve legitimate and desirable goals, but lack the skills to influence effectively. “Do what I say and not what I do.” This person renders himself unbelievable, provides no model for what should or could be, and is unable to show others how change will benefit them. Their style causes people to feel they are being punished or cutting through red tape, all to please someone who appears ineffective.

• Good influencers get people to focus on an issue that is clearly and simply stated, finds out what the emotional value of the issue is to the people involved, and seeks solutions that satisfy the people who are needed to make the solution work. Their style is to “walk the talk” because what they say is congruent with what they do. Good influencers are effective because they create trust, which enables others to take risks. Their habit of communicating, informing and including others builds loyalty.

 

1. Repeat points___

2. Get louder___

3. Use more forceful language___

4. Talk at great length___

5. Become insulting___

6. Spell out the logic of your arguments___

7. Interrupt objections or explanations of the other person ___

8. Immediately argue against objections ___

9. Accuse the other person of improper motives for resisting or disagreeing ___

10. Ask loaded (rhetorical) questions (“Don’t you think...,” “Why would anybody...?” etc.)_

11. Pout, look hurt or exasperated, etc.___

12. Bring up past (related or vaguely related) incidents or non-compliance___

13. Empathize or sympathize (“I can see what you mean...,I’d feel the same if I were in your position.’’) etc. ___

14. Listen to each point or objection___
15. Speak enthusiastically, but without “railroading” or overwhelming the listener ___ 16. Watch your own body language to avoid signals of aggression or wimpiness

17. Be brief in making your points and stop often to check for concurrence with your listeners ___

18. Watch the other person’s body language for signs of disagreement___ 19. Ask focused questions aimed at:

• -  unearthing all obstacles or objections, including those, the other person is trying to hold back for various reasons___

• -  finding conditions under which agreement would be possible___

  Evaluation: If you have many ratings of 1 or 2 for items 1-12, you’ll benefit greatly from working on your persuasion skills and attitudes. If your 1 and 2 ratings occur more in items 13-19, you have sound habits that should give you a good chance of persuading people to your point of view.

  Source: All About Communication, International.

Ten Tips to Effectively Influence Others

1) Set an outcome for what the other person will do, if you are successful in influencing him/her.

a) Flush out in detail what would really be ideal for you - even if you think there’s no way that ideal is possible. At a minimum you’ll know your own goals, and you are likely to get closer to them than you think.

b) Consider the other person’s outcome(s). Are there ways you can include their goals in your proposal? What are the benefits and costs to him/her in doing what you want? Are there ways to enhance his/her benefits and/or lessen his/her costs that could still get you what you want?

2) Aim high when you make the first suggestion(s). Suggesting that he/she does even more than you might really want gives you room to lessen your suggestions, and makes it more likely you’ll get closer to what you really want in the final agreement.

3) Be congruent, and confident as you communicate. Other people usually notice (not always consciously) your body language and voice tone, so if you’re uncertain in making suggestions, it’s likely that will come across.

In other words, be as certain of yourself and your suggestions as you can possibly be. This doesn’t mean you need to be demanding or argumentative. It does mean that you present your position and/or requests as if you are certain that this is what you want. A quiet, solid, clear confidence is often your best attitude.

4) Consider your long-term relationship with this person or people.

What impact will the results of this interaction have over time? What will your relationship with him/her be if your suggestions are implemented? What will it be like if the suggestions are not implemented?

5) Begin where they are, that is, acknowledging that they have a particular

perspective that makes sense for them. This is best done by considering their

mood and/or attitude, as well as the particular position he/she may have at the beginning

50
of the discussion.

6) Consider the larger context. What factors might make it difficult for the person to do what you want? Can you develop some ideas that would minimize these difficulties, or better yet, turn them into advantages for him/her?

7) What might you be able to give the person ‘no strings attached’? This can be information, and need not be anything physical (such as a gift). Giving something can be a good move towards developing a favorable context, a move inviting reciprocity but be perfectly willing to have your ‘gift’ taken, without expecting anything back. So, it needs to be something you can give freely.

8) Be clear on what you would get if this person agreed to your request. That is, what would you benefit of influencing them so that you get your outcome?

One way to determine your benefits is to ask yourself “What would have this done for me?” When you get the first answer, ask yourself the same question about that answer. You may determine a wider range of options that would satisfy you. This gives you more flexibility in making suggestions and/or requests from the person.

9) Are there any changes you could make to the environment that would make it more likely for the person to agree to your request?

This is intended as a thought provoking question, i.e. to get you to think about factors you might not ordinarily consider. For instance, there’s some evidence that people are more likely to accommodate requests when they are eating (associating a pleasant activity with your request). Hence the number of business deals that are completed over lunch.

Another environmental factor when influencing someone is to consider whether to discuss an issue on the phone, in person, or by e-mail. In many cases, you will get a very different response to the same request, depending on how it is made.

Thinking of the environment in a slightly broader sense, for instance, could you, persuade a colleague of the person to, say, be more cooperative. Perhaps this increased cooperation would make it easier for the person to take your suggestions.

10) It goes without saying, of course, that when you are successful in influencing, you’ll certainly live up to the agreements that you’ve made - both during and after the ‘influence time’. These agreements should be implemented as the other person understands them. This requires you to verify that your communication has been understood in the same way you intended it.

The benefit to you is a long-term business relationship, in which you have established your reliability and in which you request the same. Atmospheres in which you trust one another makes better business sense for all.

A person may use this as a checklist before an attempt to influence some one else, decide to go through the list and choose which would be the most useful in a particular situation, or use it as a test of which items could be missing from an ongoing attempt at influence.