Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.
How you respond to and resolve conflict will limit or enable your success.
In any situation involving more than one person, conflict can arise. The causes of conflict range from philosophical differences and divergent goals to power imbalances.
We often create conflict, simply by resisting another person’s opinion or communication.
Unmanaged or poorly managed conflicts generate a breakdown in trust and lost productivity
For small businesses, where success often hinges on the cohesion of a few people, loss of trust and productivity can signal the death of the business.
Conflict can come from a variety of sources:
You can also use it as an opportunity to transform the situation into something better.
In addition, you can judge the importance of the conflict based on how close to home the issue sits. Perhaps it's a matter of your morals or personal values, in which case it may be essential for you to prolong the conflict. If the issue is of little significance to you, though, it may be easier to let it go.
Similarly, you may feel consequences if you don't enter the conflict. Perhaps, those will be personal, moral consequences for not standing up for your beliefs. Or, maybe, a wrong decision is made and executed because you didn't bring in a conflicting perspective. Regardless, give yourself a clear overview of all the positive and negative consequences beforehand.
In addition -- and more importantly -- ensure that you care enough about the conflict that it's worth the energy you will need to pour into it every day. Going back and forth on a topic with others can be exhausting if it's not meaningful to you.
Based on these questions, you can determine which of the following conflict management styles you want to assume for the situation at hand.
With a basic understanding of the five conflict management strategies, small business owners can better deal with conflicts before they escalate beyond repair.
Robbins writes:
“It consists of three phrases you can sue in any communication to respect the person you’re communicating with, maintain rapport with them, share with them what you feel is true, and yet never resist their opinion in any way. Without resistance there is no conflict. Here are the three phrases:
‘I appreciate and …’
’I respect and …’
’I agree and …’”
Here are three steps to communicating with anyone without conflict …
You can appreciate their feelings. Robbins writes:
Robbins shares a few examples:
Robbins writes:
Robbins writes:
Robbins writes:
Robbins writes:
How you respond to and resolve conflict will limit or enable your success.
In any situation involving more than one person, conflict can arise. The causes of conflict range from philosophical differences and divergent goals to power imbalances.
We often create conflict, simply by resisting another person’s opinion or communication.
Unmanaged or poorly managed conflicts generate a breakdown in trust and lost productivity
For small businesses, where success often hinges on the cohesion of a few people, loss of trust and productivity can signal the death of the business.
Conflict can come from a variety of sources:
- Goals. Conflict can happen as a result of conflicting goals or priorities. It can also happen when there is a lack of shared goals.
- Personality conflicts. Personality conflicts are a common cause of conflict. Sometimes there is no chemistry, or you haven’t figured out an effective way to click with somebody.
- Scarce resources. Conflict can happen when you’re competing over scarce resources.
- Styles. People have different styles. Your thinking style or communication style might conflict with somebody else’s thinking style or their communication style. The good news is that conflicts in styles are easy to adapt to when you know how.
- Values. Sometimes you will find conflict in values. The challenge here is that values are core. Adapting with styles is one thing, but dealing with conflicting values is another. That’s why a particular business, group, or culture may not be a good fit for you. It’s also why “bird’s of a feather flock together” and why “opposites attract, but similarities bind.”
You can also use it as an opportunity to transform the situation into something better.
Questions to Ask Before Choosing a Conflict Management Style
1. How much do you value the person or issue?
It may influence you to choose one strategy over another based on how much you value the person with whom you have a conflict or the issue over which you are conflicted. It may not seem worth it to continue a long-term conflict if you're worried about ruining your relationship with someone, but it also may make your relationship stronger to come to a consensus.In addition, you can judge the importance of the conflict based on how close to home the issue sits. Perhaps it's a matter of your morals or personal values, in which case it may be essential for you to prolong the conflict. If the issue is of little significance to you, though, it may be easier to let it go.
2. Do you understand the consequences?
You should be prepared for whatever consequences may entail either entering or not partaking in the conflict. Especially in a professional environment, there could be serious consequences for continuing a conflict with a higher-up. As long as you are made aware of the potential risks, you can decide whether or not to prolong the conflict.Similarly, you may feel consequences if you don't enter the conflict. Perhaps, those will be personal, moral consequences for not standing up for your beliefs. Or, maybe, a wrong decision is made and executed because you didn't bring in a conflicting perspective. Regardless, give yourself a clear overview of all the positive and negative consequences beforehand.
3. Do you have the necessary time and energy to contribute?
By entering a conflict with a firm stance, you are preparing yourself for what could be a long-term ordeal requiring research, presentations, conversations, and stress. Before diving in, ensure that you have the time in your schedule to dedicate yourself to the conflict.In addition -- and more importantly -- ensure that you care enough about the conflict that it's worth the energy you will need to pour into it every day. Going back and forth on a topic with others can be exhausting if it's not meaningful to you.
Based on these questions, you can determine which of the following conflict management styles you want to assume for the situation at hand.
With a basic understanding of the five conflict management strategies, small business owners can better deal with conflicts before they escalate beyond repair.
Accommodating
The accommodating strategy essentially entails giving the opposing side what it wants. The use of accommodation often occurs when one of the parties wishes to keep the peace or perceives the issue as minor. For example, a business that requires formal dress may institute a "casual Friday" policy as a low-stakes means of keeping the peace with the rank and file. Employees who use accommodation as a primary conflict management strategy, however, may keep track and develop resentment.Avoiding
The avoidance strategy seeks to put off conflict indefinitely. By delaying or ignoring the conflict, the avoider hopes the problem resolves itself without a confrontation. Those who actively avoid conflict frequently have low esteem or hold a position of low power. In some circumstances, avoiding can serve as a profitable conflict management strategy, such as after the dismissal of a popular but unproductive employee. The hiring of a more productive replacement for the position soothes much of the conflictCollaborating
Collaboration works by integrating ideas set out by multiple people. The object is to find a creative solution acceptable to everyone. Collaboration, though useful, calls for a significant time commitment not appropriate to all conflicts. For example, a business owner should work collaboratively with the manager to establish policies, but collaborative decision-making regarding office supplies wastes time better spent on other activities..Compromising
The compromising strategy typically calls for both sides of a conflict to give up elements of their position in order to establish an acceptable, if not agreeable, solution. This strategy prevails most often in conflicts where the parties hold approximately equivalent power. Business owners frequently employ compromise during contract negotiations with other businesses when each party stands to lose something valuable, such as a customer or necessary service.Competing
Competition operates as a zero-sum game, in which one side wins and other loses. Highly assertive personalities often fall back on competition as a conflict management strategy. The competitive strategy works best in a limited number of conflicts, such as emergency situations. In general, business owners benefit from holding the competitive strategy in reserve for crisis situations and decisions that generate ill-will, such as pay cuts or layoffs.3 Phrases You Can Use to Build Rapport
The Agreement Frame consists of 3 phrases you can use to build rapport.Robbins writes:
“It consists of three phrases you can sue in any communication to respect the person you’re communicating with, maintain rapport with them, share with them what you feel is true, and yet never resist their opinion in any way. Without resistance there is no conflict. Here are the three phrases:
‘I appreciate and …’
’I respect and …’
’I agree and …’”
Here are three steps to communicating with anyone without conflict …
How To Communicate with Anyone Without Conflict
I learned you can explore and appreciate what a person has to say, independent of agreeing or disagreeing with their content, or opinion.
1. Find Something to Appreciate, Respect Or Agree With.
Acknowledge and appreciate the other person’s communication. Make it a game of finding commonality.You can appreciate their feelings. Robbins writes:
“You can always appreciate, respect, or agree with someone’s feelings about something. You can appreciate his feeling because if you were in the same physiology, if you had the same perception, you would feel the same way.”You can appreciate their intent. Robbins writes:
“You can also appreciate someone else’s intent. For example, many times two people on opposite sides of an issue don’t appreciate each other’s point of view, so they don’t even hear each other. But if you use the agreement frame, you will find yourself listening more intently to what the other person is saying — and discover new ways to appreciate people as a result.”You don’t have to agree with the content: Robbins writes:
“Notice, you don’t have to agree with the content of the other person’s communication. You can always appreciate, respect, or agree with someone’s feelings about something.”
2. Open the Door to Redirecting Without Creating Resistance
You can lead in the direction you want to go without creating resistance. You do this by not belittling or trivializing the other person’s opinion. Instead, you establish rapport by appreciating and acknowledging their communication, and then you open the door to additional views and perspectives.Robbins shares a few examples:
“Rather than argue with him, you could enter his world and say, ‘I really appreciate your commitment and desire to create security for our children, and I think there may be a more effective way than …””I respect the intensity of your feelings about this, and I think if you were to hear my side of it you might feel differently.”
3. Debate Without Using “But”
Debate the issue without ever using the word “but” and without denigrating the other person’s point of view.Robbins writes:
“Let me give you the example of one ever-present, three-letter word — ‘but.’ Used unconsciously and automatically, it can be one of the most destructive words in our language. If someone says ‘That’s true, but …’ what is he saying? He’s saying it’s not true or it’s irrelevant. The word ‘but’ has negated everything said before it. How do you feel if someone says to you that they agree with you, but …? What if you simply substitute the word ‘and’ instead? What if you say, ‘That’s true, and there’s something else that’s also true’? Or, ‘That’s an interesting idea, and here’s another way to think about it.’ In both cases, you start with agreement. Instead of creating resistance, you’ve created an avenue for redirection.”
Begin with a Sense of Humility and Willingness to Change
Flexiblity is key to more effective outcomes and the keys to flexibility are your humility and ability to change.Robbins writes:
“it’s ‘flexibility’ — the one thing effective communicators have in common. They learn how to calibrate someone and then keep changing their own behavior — verbal or non-verbal — until they create what they want. The only way to communicate well is to begin with a sense of humility and a willingness to change. You can’t communicate by force of will, you can’t bludgeon someone into understanding your point of view. You can only communicate by constant, resourceful, attentive flexibility.”
There are No Resistant People, Only Inflexible Communicators
Communicate with people in ways that keep people involved and open.“Keep in mind, there are no resistant people, only inflexible communicators. Just as there are phrases and words that automatically trigger feelings or states of resistance, there are also ways to communicate that keep people involved and open.”
Deal with Them on Their Terms
Stay flexible in your approach and calibrate who you’re dealing with. You don’t have to “stoop to their level”, but learn how to deal with people on their terms, in a way they can follow. You can also educate yourself on how people see the world differently, by learning metaprograms.Robbins writes:
“When you deal with others, a certain amount of trial and error is inevitable. You can’t direct the behavior others with the speed, certainty and effectiveness with which you control your own results. But a key to personal success is learning how to speed up the process. You can do it by developing rapport, by understanding metaprograms, by learning how to calibrate others so you can deal with them on their terms.”
Like an Aikido Master
Rather than meet force head on, redirect it, the Aikido way.Robbins writes:
“Remember that there is no such thing as resistance, there are only inflexible communicators who push at the wrong time and in the wrong direction. Like an aikido master, a good communicator, instead of opposing someone’s views, is flexible and resourceful enough to sense the creation of resistance, find points of agreement, align himself or herself with them, and then direct communication in a way he or she wants to go.”
Don’t Make It a Win-Lose Game
Don’t make your side a monopoloy of the truth. Focus on developing a richer, more balanced point of view, and staying connected with the other person.“I don’t mean you should sell out your beliefs; I don’t want you to be an intellectual jellyfish. But you’ll find you can reach your outcome more effectively by gently aligning and then leading rather than by pushing violently. And you’ll be able to develop a richer, more balanced point of view by being open to another perspective. Most of us look at discussion as a win-lost game. We’re right and the other guy’s wrong. One side has a monopoly on truth, and the other resides in utter darkness. I’ve found time and again I learn more and get where I want to go much more quickly by finding an agreement frame. Another worthwhile exercise is to argue for something you don’t believe. You’ll surprise yourself by coming up with new perspectives.”
Benjamin Franklin’s Communication without Conflict Strategy
Benjamin Franklin often persuaded others with what he had to say, the gentle way.“In his personal autobiography, Benjamin Franklin describes his strategy for communicating his opinions and yet maintaining rapport: ‘I develop the habit of expressing myself in terms of modest diffidence, never using, when I advance anything that may possibly be disputed, the words certainly, undoubtedly, or any other that give the air of positiveness to an opinion, but rather say, I conceive or apprehend a thing to be so or so, for such and such reasons; or, I imagine it to be so, or it is so, if I am not mistaken. This habit I believe has been of great advantage to me when I have had occasion to inculcate my opinion and persuade men into measures that I have been, time to time, engaged in promoting.'”
Lao Tzu Had it Right, Too
“The best solders do not attack. The superior fighter succeeds without violence. The greatest conqueror wins without a struggle. The most successful manager leads without dictating. This is called intelligent unaggressiveness. This is called mastery of men.” – Lao-Tus
